Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
