the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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