My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
