well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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