Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
