Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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