fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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