if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
