my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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