When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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