i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
