i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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