I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
