my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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