please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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