At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
