Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
