All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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