did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
