Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
