My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
