So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
