Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
