There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
