Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
