take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
