At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
