had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
