Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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