i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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