Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
