So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
