I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
