Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
BRING THE BAGELS
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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