my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
