Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
