Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
being pregnant is like rehab
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
