Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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