I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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