If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
