I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
