He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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