Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
