Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
