i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
