Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
