I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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