dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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