I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Floor bacon is actually really good
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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