His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
