Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
