Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
