If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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