I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I want her autograph on my taint
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
