True but thats because hes a fetus.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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