Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
