I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
