I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
