I think I died a long time ago.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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