Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
