she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How external is "for external use only"?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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