I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
