Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
